My Mom is gone four years today, but I'm not writing 'Happy Anniversary'. I know I should for it is the joyful Anniversary of her going Home to God, but while I am happy for her, I'm not all that joyful for me today. I'm feeling very self-centered today.
I know this should be all about her, and I wish I felt that way, but I don't feel like writing about all her wonderful attributes that are now missing from my life.
I still miss her. The missing, the sadness, the hole in my life where she used to be, the emptiness,well, all that ~ it never goes away. It's just that the sadness, the missing her, the emptiness, the hole in my life that she used to fill, all that bad just starts to feel normal after awhile.
It's normal now to not hear her voice anymore, and not to ever hear her laugh. It's normal not to see her doodling sketches on a scrap of paper. It's normal not to hear her call my name. It's normal knowing she'll never walk through the front door again. My Mom and I will never lunch together or shop together, or call each other on the phone and that's all normal now. At one time it seemed unbelievable but now it's 'normal' to know I'll never see her in this life again. It's normal now to know I'll search a room of faces for her and not see her (and yet, there are times I still search for her while not expecting to find her). I'll never see her wearing one of her little berets again. I'll never see her in one of her tweed jackets. I'll never give her a bouquet of green carnations for St. Patrick's Day. I'll never see her smile at me again. I'll never hear her say the phrase, "Not to worry." I'll never watch her brew a pot of coffee, and I'll never hear her sing again. It's normal now to see someone far away that looks like her and not get a happy feeling inside like I used to, thinking 'Oh, there's Mom!", it's normal to instead feel a pang in my heart knowing it's not her. Yes, all this bad is normal now. But normal stinks.
I miss my Mom. I want her to know my grandchildren. I want to ask her what she thinks about plans that I have for this house that once was her home. I want her opinion on decorating, I want her opinion on paint colors and slipcovers. I want her opinion on life altering decisions too, I want her advice on problems, I want to vent to her, I want to tell her funny little things too that happened during the day, I want to ask her about potting and planting, I want to ask her about which outfit to wear, I want to ask her how she cooked her stew, I want to ask her about our family tree, I want her to tell me again about how she met my Dad and how they got engaged. I want her to tell me of their early years together, I want her to tell me about the day I was born, I want her to talk about the old house and the old neighborhood, I want her to tell me stories about my grandparents and aunts and uncles again. I want her to ask me if I want a cup of tea.
I want her.
I want my Mom.
I know I sound ungrateful. I know that if I didn't have this wonderful woman in my life there would be nothing to miss. I know that where there is great love there is great loss. I know that if my choice was to have her in my life for 52 years but then have to lose her to Alzheimer's my answer would be YES! Yes, let's do it Your way, God. I'll take that, it's a good deal! I know all this in my head. But today my heart does not want to listen to my head. Today I want 'normal' to go away.
Four years gone is four years too long.
Today I want my Mom back.
I know, Mom, that today of all days, I should be celebrating your life, I should be celebrating the woman you were and all you meant to me. I'm not in a very celebratory mood, Ma. Right after you left, I used to feel you all around me, I was enveloped in a warm love, but those moments are few and far between now. There's a kind of coldness now, and you feel so far away today.
So, I'll let this song say what I should be saying, for I do remember you and measure your life in 'Seasons of Love'.
1 week ago